Service with a Smirk
by DMReturns
Summary: If the thieving Marth can make it past a violent king, a seemingly evil queen, a stuck up hero and a romantic yet strange princess, he may strike it rich. Maybe.
1. And So it Begins

AN: Hello again, for anyone that remembers me, this is DarkMagnus. I wrote several one-shots as well as 'Put Your Cards on the Table' and 'Ace of Hearts'. Anyway, I've returned to with a less serious fiction. This story is largely humorous and a bit satirical. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

Marth smiled. 

"Another day in the life of a two-face."

Waves of sun swept across the verdant courtyard. It was a beautiful day, especially when one's thoughts were focused on large sums of gold.

VERY large sums of gold.

You see, there are several things that drive men- even particularly sharp ones, to do strange things. Inventive things.

Stupid things.

But this 'thing', this heist, sham, job, whatever you want to call it surely broke the record in all three categories.

"It's simple as this. You go and get sworn into the King's service. You do whatever, brownnose, be his little lap dog. And then, you can be our inside man for the biggest heist in the history of Hyrule!"

Of course, Marth was skeptical at first. How could you not be? The only thing left of the last person that tried to rob the king, Captain of the Guard Falcon, is his helmet. You don't want to know what happened to the rest.

But when the blue haired bandit thought of the thousands of gold coins, the gems, swords and jewelry, well, his better judgment took a lunch break. So, he accepted, tired of the miniscule rewards granted after small robberies. He was an excellent thief, and never allowed his face to be seen. But he had grown tired of that as well. He wanted to resemble the greater thieves of the era, like Robin Hood, Sinbad and the Masked Kirby... Of course, that may too be foolish.

Small setbacks had been overcome, and Marth's initiation ceremony was to begin in a fortnight. Unfortunately, nobody knew how long a fortnight was, so they decided to do it the same day. The entry went smoothly.

"Ah, you must be Marth, the new stable-cleaner."

Marth nearly had an aneurysm.

"What?! L-let me see that sheet!"

Marth looked over the long sign up parchment, and stopped at his name.

* * *

New Servant List 

-Mario Mario........Princess' Guard

-Luigi Mario.........Assistant Chef

-Yoshi.................We've Got No Clue

-Marth Lowell........**Stable Cleaner!!!

* * *

**Marth wasn't sure why his horrible job had been underlined, bolded and put before exclamation marks, but he wouldn't let it stand. Using his thievish guile, he switched a couple names, and voila!

* * *

New (Revised) Servant List 

-Marth Lowell.............Princess' Guard

-Luigi Mario........................Assistant Chef

-Yoshi.................................We've Got No Clue

-Mario Mario.........**Stable Cleaner!!!

* * *

**

He handed it back to the deskworker with a smile.

"Right, there was some mistake. I'm the Keeper of the Princess."

The deskworker stared at Marth for a minute.

"You know what, that was so stupid, I'm going to let you get away with it."

"Yay!"

Sometime Later  
  
"Yeah, door to the right. The lights are off. Here's a lantern." 

Mario proudly walked through the door closed it behind and shouted.

"It's-a me! Mario!"

There was a short pause.

"MAMA-MIA!"

Sometime Not-So-Later  
  
The evening bell tolled, signifying the beginning of the ceremony. Marth, decked out in shiny new Royal Guard armor, whistled a happy tune, followed by a sluggish man wearing brown. Marth looked at him, turned his head to the side and talked. 

"Why so down?"

The brown-clothed man slowly gazed up at Marth and spoke.

"My name is Mario Mario, and my shirt is normally red."

"Oh."

Marth turned and quickened his pace.

In the chapel, filled with conscripted soldiers and other workers, a priest stood in front of the castle chancellor, which was somewhere below the king. Maybe. Hell, I'm the narrator. I'm not paid to learn hierarchy. Anyway, the chancellor nodded to the priest, who began to chant.

"Au nobis facem. Uue lleman cachen. Something...something...something."

The chancellor coughed loudly.

"Hey, at 15 gold an hour, this is the best you'll get!"

The priest yelled, a bit annoyed.

The priest was shooed off the stage, and the king himself was presented to the entire assembly.

"Welcome, new recruits. All of you have been handpicked due to your elite skills. You are the best in the nation. You are the most illustrious warriors to ever grace the battlefield. You are the Secret Service of Eternia!"

A scribe whispered into the king's ear.

"What? These aren't the elites? These are the conscripts and low pay workers? Oh."

"Sorry, I take all that back. You're all worthless, and if you slip up I'll have your heads chopped off. That's all. Piss off."

Several sobs came from the soldiers.

"Hmm," Marth mused. "Good to see morale so high."

Whenever, it might be later, maybe not

"Ok, let's see..." Marth paged through a comprehensive map, reading out all the locations. "Torture Chambers...no, Torture Chambers...no, Kitchens...no, Torture Chambers right next to the freaking Kitchens...Jesus, Armory...no, Harem...umm, maybe later... and... THERE! Zelda's Chambers."

Marth made his way past the many torture chambers and up to Zelda's Quarters. There, he knocked on the door, and without waiting for a response, walked in.

A girl shrieked.

"I'M CHANGING!"

Marth poked his head in.

"Oh no! Really?!"

The girl looked around shiftily.

"No... but it's always been a fantasy of mine."

Marth backed up.

"O...K..."

The strange lady perked up when she saw Marth's armor.

"Ah, you must be my new guard!"

Marth smiled.

"Then that means you're Zelda."

"The one and only. It's so good to know someone there to protect me, especially after what happened to my last guard."

Marth froze.

"Um, what... may I ask... happened?"

Zelda smiled and nonchalantly recalled the gruesome details.

"Well, he was captured after a failed attempt on my life and sacrificed to the Dragon God Bahamaut."

Marth's eye twitched.

"And... did they catch the bandits that did it to him?"

Zelda nodded.

"Of course. Well, most of them, anyways."

"Most...of...them?"

"Ok, so only a couple. But what are the chances of ANOTHER attempt to kill me? I mean, it's like lightning striking twice."

Outside Zelda's window, Marth swore he saw a twinkling eye.

* * *

And that's all (s)he wrote. For this chapter, anyway. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and it's time for DARKMAGNUS TRIVIA! 

A small role in an upcoming chapter will be given to the person that finds out where 'Eternia's Secret Service' came from. Just leave the answer in your review. Hint: It has to do with something I've done in the past.

Today's Trivia: The title, 'Service with a Smirk' comes from Slywolf's old EAB avatar text. I dunno why I remember it.


	2. The King's Fool

Marth relaxed in the warm waters of the royal sauna. He had a long day ahead of him. After all, he was supposed to both protect the Princess AND rob the King. Still, the heated spa felt good, and he was alone. Or was he? Suddenly, as he gazed around the foggy room, he sensed that something was wrong. Very wrong. There were figures! Figures he could make out through the cloudy air! They came closer! And closer! Oh, what horrors awaited him in this accursed heat bath?! And then...

Something next to him prodded his arm.

"Uh, Mr. Marth, this is the girl's sauna."

Marth's slowly looked to his left, into the face of a female retainer of the King.

"Well. F-"

Smack.

"I'm sorry, I'm leavi-"

Smack.

"Seriously, I'm going ri-"

Smack. Smack.

"Now that was uncalled fo-"

CRACK.

"Ow."

Chapter 2 – The King's Fool

* * *

Marth sat in a chair on the far end of the Royal Hall. He had been told to wait for a message from his employer, Ganondorf Dragmire. Ganondorf was one of the most wanted men in the entire Hylian Empire. Apparently he had committed many heinous crimes such as highway robbery, murder, treason and stepping on the grass in publicly restricted areas. He was ugly as sin, too, so it wasn't too pleasant working with the guy. But hey, he was the best in his class. Marth was a bit nervous, wondering whom the messenger would be. Or what the message _itself _would be. And then, to his utter despair, several crowds of people began to fill the room. Some of them nobles, some servants. Then came the retainers. And finally, the Royal Family themselves! Ganondorf had made a fatal mistake. Court met that day! If someone came in trying to deliver a message to Marth, he would surely be caught! There was only one thing that could possibly make this worse.

"Oh... My... God."

Busting in through the grand doors, Ganondorf himself, wearing a goofy jester outfit, was presented to the entire assembly.

"HELLO ALL!"

Marth felt paralyzed.

"Ah, what a great bunch of people! Not like the show I did last week in Nibelheim. Hoo baby, talk about a DEAD audience!"

The crowd tittered with laughter.

"Hey, it wasn't all that bad. At least the chicks were hot! In fact, the guys were pretty hot too!"

Ganon paused again for laughs.

"Seriously though, what a great audience. Boy, I sure do love Hyrule. Only place where a beautiful young princess can grow up into a scary male Sheikah!"

Zelda blushed as the crowd burst into fits of laughter.

"Anyway, you've all heard debates over the new impending taxes. I personally think the media representing all this is too partisan. The supporters were all Conservative, and the nay-sayers were all Dead!"

The King sheepishly nodded.

"Now I don't just have laughter in stock. I've got a great story for all of you. Everyone, listen very closely. This is something you don't want to miss."

Marth perked up. This must be his message!

"Now, in a land far far away, there was a very rich king. Unlike this fine kingdom, none of his subjects liked him."

Several people coughed loudly.

"Now, a very cunning and handsome outlaw came up with an idea. He would have his best man infiltrate the King's service, and eventually rob him! The plan went well, and the man became an important person in the Kingdom..."

Ganon looked directly into Marth's eyes, crouched down and spoke softly, as if telling a secret to everyone present.

"Then, he became very close to the beautiful princess, attempting to gain trust in the Court. His ploy worked, and eventually he was ready to rob the richest man in the world. He summoned the handsome outlaw and led him into the Court deep at night. No one suspected a thing. And then, they robbed the kingdom blind and escaped! But after he completed his task, the man realized he truly loved the princess, and stole the treasure back. As he neared the castle walls, he saw a familiar face. And do you know what happened then?"

The entire court, Royal Family and Marth included, was spellbound. Suddenly, Ganon leapt from his crouched position.

"The bandit, hidden by the shadows, killed him with a single blow! And do you know what he said before he escaped into the night? He said... 'Never mix thy loyalties.'"

Ganon smiled, gave a bow and left.

Marth realized that's Ganon's story was more than simple instruction. It was a warning.

Later

* * *

Marth slowly rapped on Zelda's door. He began to think about the day's events while he looked around at the decorate hallway. Like Ganondorf said, he would need to get close to Zelda if he wished to carry out the plan. He had made up his mind. Ganondorf was his employer, and his employer took priority over women. Even if the one in question was the most beautiful creature on the planet. Also, Marth guessed he was probably allergic to being stabbed. Better safe than sorry.

Zelda opened the door and smiled.

"Hello, Marth. Why are you here?"

Marth grinned.

"Just seeing if you needed anything. I am your protector, after all. If that means protecting you from a severe case of the munchies, so be it!"

Zelda giggled, and stepped back into her room. Marth followed.

"No, I don't really need anything. But it's nice of you to ask."

Marth turned to leave, but Zelda lightly grabbed his arm.

"Err, other than a little company."

The blue-haired bandit turned and gave one of his world famous winks.

Later...er.

* * *

This was strange. He had made all of the usual probes to expose how shallow Zelda was, found out a lot about her, and shared years of fake history. But the more he talked with the Princess, the more his original prejudices were erased. Strangely, she reminded Marth of the many bandit women he had met. She was pretty, intelligent, witty...

"So now, I'm ENGAGED to the great hero Link.!"

Marth paused. 'And betrothed, unfortunately.'

"Wow. That's quite a fiancée."

"You're telling me. But I can't complain. I mean, he's handsome, and strong, and... uh... important, plus, he's a-"

"Total bore."

Marth interjected. Zelda blushed and sighed.

"How'd you know?"

The Guardian smirked.

"Any girl that uses 'important' to describe good things about her husband must be digging."

The two laughed.

"Well, it wasn't my idea. But hey, when you're a princess, you have to deal with oppression."

Marth almost flew into a heroic speech on living your own life, when he realized he was acting out of character.

"I...I suppose so."

* * *

And that's all (s)he wrote. For this chapter, anyway. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and it's time for DARKMAGNUS TRIVIA! 

Thanks to everyone who reviewed. WHICH IS NOBODY AHAHA!

sob  
  
To clear anything up, Nibelheim is a city in FF7 that is burned to ashes. Hence the death jokes. . I've also realized this story may be a little more serious than I originally planned, so I changed up the category. Rest assured, it's for the better. Now please, for the love of god, review. Seriously. Hell, flame me. I'd like it. Later.

Today's Trivia: DarkMagnus got his name from Ogre Battle's hero: Magnus Gallant.


End file.
